Pirouettes

Hi. I'm back.

I said I was going to tell you a bit about my friends today, so I will. I'm feeling lazy so no capitalization from me today after this line (I'll still spellcheck.) Here is some background on me and my friends.

ok, so i grew up in a city called wayne, it was a fairly big city with lots of big cities near it, including detroit. i was always able to go places and do things, and when i couldn't, i'd be hanging out with my friends from my neighborhood, riding my bike places, going swimming in the pool around the block, or i had my friend makala over. makala, breana, and cortney were my friends back in wayne, but none lived near me (makala sorta did, maybe two miles away but it took a really busy road to get there so i was never allowed to ride my bike to her apartment). me and cortney didn't hang out after school cause her mom was weird, and breana lived in a whole nother city like 20 minutes away. i usually hung out with this kid billy, the two boys across the street (until they moved) or just by myself. makala came over maybe twice a week, and we were inseperable even though we got into a lot of arguments. so, i'd spend the days constantly riding around my block, again and again and again and again. when winter hit, i'd spend the days inside watching spongebob, or, really, still playing outside, in a coat in the snow. id run over to friends houses, theyd run over to my house. everything was so open, i loved it that way and never wanted anything to change. what i really looked forward to was middle school - the school was right around my block! i would get to walk to school every day - something i had ALWAYS wanted to do. makala and breana would be going to different schools, but i'd still have cortney, and l'oreal and billy and everyone. when i found out i qualified to skip fifth grade and go straight to the middle school i was ecstatic. i had tons of friends in the grade above me, after all, and i would get to start middle school earlier. i would miss cortney and l'oreal and diamyn and rabee and torrey, but i would get to see them every now and again. so, i took the graduation photo with my friends chelsea, jasmeen, alexus, and emily. it was soo exciting! i was super happy, happier than i had ever been and i had always been happy my whole life. one day, my mom came home super po'ed. i asked her what was wrong and she said the PTO took a vote and they decided that since THEIR kids couldn't skip a grade, i wouldn't be able to skip a grade. i cried for weeks, and weeks, and weeks. i took over a month off of school for depression. i thought of hurting or killing myself (keep in mind im in 4th grade here). eventually, my mom decided i couldn't stay there anymore, and that we were going to move. i thought of killing myself, or cutting myself, even MORE. i started ripping my lips apart and peeling off my fingernails til there was barely anything left. i couldn't stand to get out of bed. i felt sick everywhere. i had headaches, stomachaches, and couldn't stop crying. my life felt like it needed to end. i didnt WANT to leave my friends. i didn't WANT to move to a crappy new place with a crappy new life with crappy new people. almost every time we went house hunting i was trying not to cry. every time i took makala or breana. i didn't want to be alone anymore. it felt like i'd spent months alone. school started back up. i kept a smile on my face. the teachers were nice and joking about when the house got sold. we moved in october.

it turned out the move was the best thing in my life, but not for a while. i was depressed for over year, crying at least twice a week, usually crying myself to sleep. i had crappy friends that were nice enough but i couldn't stand to be around them. alyssa was creepy but i pretended to like her so i had at least one friend. alyssa (another one, lyons) was a chronic liar and was fun to be around but exageratted about everything and you could never trust her. i began to be friends with her little sister, who was always honest and friendly. i liked her and trusted her, and she was funner to be around. she was in the year below us, though, fourth grade, at a different school. it was taboo here to be friends with someone younger than you if you were in any grade below 6th or 7th, especially if they were still at the elementry. the only time i got to see emily was when i visited alyssa, who was always crappy (almost always). sami moved here, and she was fun and kinda silly. i talked to girls like emily (another emily lol), kylie, and jessi, and guys like adam and corey and thomas. nat moved here in 6th grade.

she was from belleville, near where i grew up. we went swimming at the same place, probably on the same days, but i had never talked to her before because me and makala/breana/l'oreal/ashley (camiller) gibson usually stuck to ourselves when we went swimming. i still had sami and alyssa (the creepy one not the lying one) and nat instantly shunned alyssa which gave me a reason to. she was a creep-o after all (although neither baileigh(coming up later) and natalie believe me that i thought she was creepy, i just played along with whatever on earth she did). natalie was tough, and stood up for what she believed in. i had let people boss me around. i hated it. natalie was open-minded and enthusiastic. she wasn't afraid to say what was on her mind. i instantly set out to be just like her.

all my life i always idolized someone i had looked up to. i wanted to be just like them (as they say, imitation is just a form of flattery). i didn't know it could be creepy, or annoying, i just knew i wanted to be the same way they were. it started with natalie and moved on to baileigh. now it's like im a different person with different friends. i guess its just the way i interact with people.

baileigh came on the day before my birthday. she was from the kalamazoo area. she constantly talked about her friends (just like i did). she was funny, enthusiastic, sometimes kind of dorky. she rode on my bus and was in my class. the first time i talked to her i was on the bus. we had to sit up in the front because the middle and highschoolers were bad or something. she was the last one on the bus, and i was sitting alone. she asked to sit with me, i said sure, we hit it off right away. i soon found out her stop was the first one. as soon as i came into school the next day, she came over and talked to me. nat came over too, and we just hit it off as a trio.

as sixth grade kept going, we slowly started to drift from alyssa until it was just us three on one side and alyssa was all the way at the other end of the table. jessi stopped by every day and said hello, as did adam. emily stopped by sometimes, too. sixth grade ended. we moved on to seventh.

in seventh grade, i was super happy. the first day, jessi called me, baileigh, and natalie over to the table where she and the two emilys sat. emily k was blond, pretty, and athletic. she had a boyfriend named jeremy. i already talked to her since fifth grade. me and her became pretty good friends, but she was better friends with natalie than with me. emily s was best friends with emily k, had cute taste in clothes (both of them did), and was very wild and outgoing. lunch became an amazing ritual, it was always loud and fun. we had jeff, jacob pondell, and thomas, loud, crazy guys who did anything. our table was always packed. me and baileigh became practically inseperable. we had almost every class together. we hung out with jeff and jacob p all the time.

also in seventh grade, baileigh gave us an important bit of information - she was moving. i lowered back into my depressed state and couldn't stand to go to school. not only was she moving, she was moving to st louis - halfway across the country. we had a camping trip - me jessi and baileigh one night and me natalie and baileigh another night. the second morning, nat left, then baileigh left. i waved her off. then she was gone.

i walked around crying the rest of the day. i didn't want to see her leave for a new life with new friends in new crappy missouri. i think she doesn't like it there that much other than her lame boyfriend.

8th grade was basically no different. we began hanging out with adam. he liked jessi. she didn't. end of story. nat dated a dude. then, in a flash, the year was over. i was in a fog all through 8th grade. i just wanted baileigh back here. i missed seeing her every day, when you lose a best friend it's like losing a chunk of yourself, like a leg. you don't know how your life can go on, but you struggle through and don't really think about anything. in 7th grade, makala and breana and i got in a fight, we didn't talk any more. i went through another depressed stage. i still talked to cortney - it turned out her dad lived right down the street from me. i saw her usually monthly. she goes to school here now.

now, i'm in high school. things are different. i'm a different person. i don't obsess over little things. i try to just be myself even if that person is pretty weird sometimes. i still love my friends. i still care too much. i try to go with the flow. my friends are as weird as ever. i hang out with trevor now. maybe i like him a bit. maybe. maaaybe. i want to get over him. nat likes him too. i'm sure he likes her, not me. no one ever likes me.

love,
erin.